What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 02:33
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My husband asked me why do I keep on complaining about him cheating. Why don't I just leave?
He knew the spot.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I said to her
When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Has your wife or girlfriend ever been felt up in public by a stranger?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Ive learnt so much.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I don,t even have a pension.
I have no regrets .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why is it so hard to date nowadays?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
What is world history that not many people know about?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We all went to grammer schools
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
How does a 45-year-old man get a girlfriend?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I write beautiful poetry .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why does a college girl cover her face with a scarf in Bangalore?
My life is so biszare .
We were not on the streets..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
What did i know ?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And i lived it daily.
I think the readers, may guess!
It was going to be , some day.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
She wouldn,t have been !
So, i spoilt her more .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But ive been too sick for many years..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But it wasn’t much.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But, we were locked up after school.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She married twice! .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i do to all so called friends.?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Would this be the day?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She was in good health!
Im still living with it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
All the time i was locked up.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Who then, do I blame.?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Comes on , in middle age.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I will be 64.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was scared of men, in general
I was seconnd youngest,
He resisted the act ,that day.
I waited trembling.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was dying to do it , i knew.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
This is soul school!.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was 9 years of age.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Put me off passion for life!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My family never makes their pension either.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So whats the point in blame.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She loved him until the end.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!